They never said it would be easy and it hasn’t been. On the
weekend a friend told me that I need to start playing the game more here in
Toronto. I do know what he means, but at the same time what if the game doesn’t
align to my own scruples? Sometimes, I wonder about just being a martyr in my
own life... not conforming and just going with it. That’s what so many
interesting artists did (not that I put myself in their ranks) ; they had the
ultimate courage to live their lives as they wanted and accept the consequences
for those choices.
Things can be tough at the best of times. Both
of my housemates are in constant fear of being fired at any moment from their
jobs. Forget the carrot, their bosses have got the stick out and are ready to
give them a whack. I don’t like seeing people under constant fear in that way,
it’s very unnatural and a figment of the new economy where employers wield such
unyielding power in the name of corporate flexibility. To make matters worse,
in my experience, so many middle managers are type A drones who react with fear
and active resentment to intelligent people. Middle managers are the cookie
cutters and unless you want to be like my roommates, living in fear, the best
thing to do is just give up, conform, and fit in. This I have been told is what
is called: paying your dues. Paying
your dues for what though?... so you can ascend to middle management too.
I see some people
around me interested in dominance and social power. Fredrick Nietzsche said
that in his view the major human desire is “the will to power.” The idea
asserts that our humanness makes us strive to want power first over ourselves
then also over our environment and other people. I don’t think that view can be
refuted when one considers our shared world history of war, genocide, and brutalization
of our environment. I chatted recently to some people who spoke longingly of
their desires for power. Listening to
their cavalier blabber about dating, woman, and success could roll anyone’s
eyes. They talked about girls as interchangeable
parts or objects, not having feelings or empathy for other people, and the central
importance of networking. I’m not denying that dominance can create a euphoric
mental reaction, why do you think so many people are addicted to pursuing it, but
at what cost is one willing to chase that? Personally, I still won’t step away
from my intrinsic hope that everyone I know will succeed and be happy – I don’t
want to feel superior to them. My recent
conversation partners don’t seem to get that, for them it’s about putting your
foot down on someone to move up rather than helping them up with you.
I would prefer
company on my journey through life, but I’m not terrified to walk the path less
trodden. People will come and go, but
each day I will be the one that looks into the mirror. I just want my friends
and the people I care about to really know who I am and me to be able to show
them I care about them the best that I can. I won’t create a smoke screened
facade of myself to generate maximum benefit in a world based around accumulation
of things, pseudo relationships, and envy in others. I’m playing a game, we all are..., but I need
to have some control of what the rules are.
