The Vicious Circle

    I’m sure many people reading this are in a relationship, it may be a good one - maybe not. All the same, I feel like giving a few of my own thoughts about that most difficult of things – pairing up romantically. From what I’ve observed in other guys, girls and myself it’s certainly not an easy task. The main issue is the blame game... each gender blames the other for the pairing not working based on their previous experience. Now being male, I’ll look more so from the male point of view, but please be aware that I feel most of these concepts can be reversed to the female perspective too.

     An ugly aspect of attraction is how attention seems to have the effect of pushing things away while disinterest is a draw. Most people are interested in what they can’t have, not what they could... The allure is towards that person whom seems unattainable. Sadly with time a majority of people buy into this illusion and start creating artificial personas for themselves in their clothes and attitude. These facades might have some positive effects for that person in the short term, but in the long term it’s devastating as it hides their true selves away.

      It’s a myth that guys don’t have feelings and emotions... I’ve had thousands of conversations with guys over the years, of all types..., and there is lots of feeling there. Trust me. Pretty much every guy, I’ve ever met wants to end up with one girl not just fuck around and have meaningless sex forever. Of course if this was easy, everyone would be together happily and people wouldn’t be getting divorced.  With that said – lots of young guys are thrown off by our homogenized mass culture where the good guy is shown getting the girl. Being the chivalrous knight in white armour is cool on paper, but the results are lacking. Invariable this strategy back fires, it’s to heavy handed, it doesn’t comport to animal attraction and pushes away the girl.

      Where the real damage comes though is when a guy really likes one girl... The effect of doing the “right” things, entering a relationship, and that failing is incalculable. Sleepless nights and pointed personal questions aimed at one’s own character will be the result. This moment’s permanent effect differs, but a lot of guys will create a shield to prevent the same from occurring again. He will not let himself get attached in order to protect himself. Naturally this has the effect of driving the girl wild if she cares for him; a reaction that perversely devalues her in his eyes and makes him lose interest.

     Where the vicious circle comes into play is that a guy is hurt by a girl and becomes aloof and uncaring. In a justified response the girl becomes hurt too and reacts similarly by erecting her own shield... and what we now have is a really ugly, perpetuating cycle. People are coming up against the other person’s baggage, defences, and facades rather than the real person.  This cycle based mainly on power games and not getting hurt comes before people know each other on real terms.  Throw in the raw and incalculable power of sexual attraction, in both cases: when it’s there and when it’s not, and it’s easy to see just how wild this game is...  So why play right??? Simple: “You can’t win if you don’t play.” And with that said what choice do we have...?

One Hundred People, One Hundred Minds...

     I’m at a friends place near the beach in Copenhagen. As usual at a party a lap top is out and everyone is trying their hand at being a DJ. The group is really diverse so music choices are difficult...  To make matters worse there are a few music snobs in attendance. You know those types, their music - usually underground rock - is brilliant while everyone else’s more mainstream taste is rubbish. Eventually it got to the point that I didn’t even want to try to choose a song for fear of reprisal. The point I have here is just how different everyone really is. Music, like the taste of food, is totally subjective and is based on feelings they illicit for each individual person. A person’s taste in these areas can be expanded, but it’s nearly impossible to change. The best way to verbalise my ideas here is to steal the words of the wise DJ at the wedding I was at in Slovenia. When describing how hard it is to make everyone happy with wedding music he had the following to say. “One hundred people, One hundred minds”.

      The way a person sees reality is not learned, it’s inherent. I always loved the way Robert M Pirsig in his great book “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Mechanics” summed it all up.  “Everyone is either a Platonist or an Aristotelian. People who can't stand Aristotle's endless specificity of detail are natural lovers of Plato's soaring generalities. People who can't stand the eternal lofty idealism of Plato welcome the down-to-earth facts of Aristotle.” To help clarify this point, I want to bring up a great conversation I had with an old friend last week in Slovenia. Now first things first, the two of us see the world in totally different ways. He is a quintessential how to person; how do I do this, how do I build this, how does it work. He is hard wired in the moment - an Aristotelian. Me, on the other hand, can sit in a room and completely disappear into my mind. I’ll take the time, to think about things. In this way I am living in the past, present and future simultaneously... and making connections between the three at once. I’m theorizing, thinking, dreaming - a classical Platonist. My friend and I, both being open minded, actually see this massive difference as a strength to tap in each other. We both have agreed, we could use an injection of the others thinking style. Unfortunately, our maturity in this matter, does not always spill over to everyone.

     What I’m getting at here is that even if we’ll never be able to agree on tastes, or how the world is.... we still have to do our best to respect other points of view no matter how alien they might seem. Sitting in a room of people that think and act the same as you do is reassuring, but it hardly lets a person grow. Further, it’s the group pressure to act in ways one is not naturally that is one of the chief engines in many people’s unhappiness. If there was ever a reason, I took to all of these travels it was to see myself grow inside, to become more accepting, and become less sure of just how things are. Difference is what gives the world it’s colour, and really it is always what I'll be interested in.

A Slovenian Wedding

 Sitting here drinking cappuccino after cappuccino scrawling into my notebook about the wedding I've just attended. I'm in shambles after getting in at 8 am last night after a post wedding party in  Ljubljana's free town Metelkova.

   The location of the wedding was beyond idyllic. The sumptuous bounty of nature our senses feasted on was equal to anything Canada could offer. On the terrace a top of Lake Bled Castle you could peer down and see aqua blue, crystal clear water with swimmers and boats dotted across its length. Competing for attention from the lake the background showcased magnificent, expansive hills covered by thick forest. This is the spot where the beginnings of the newly weds lives was celebrated and in earnest it was as good a spot as could be imagined, words don't do it justice. 

   When I looked over the wedding pictures this afternoon one stood out. In the picture, I could see my mate peering into his brides eyes obviously sharing a moment together as they were showered with rice. Fifteen minutes previous during the non religious service the orator had given us some words of wisdom on life and love. Afterwards everyone, including the bride and groom, would snicker how cheesy these words were. These wisdoms were highlighted by expressions like “love is a dove flying on the wings of a ray of light”, and “love stands, strives, and perseveres no matter what.” Sure it does... and all this delivered without a hint of irony and a straight face. The cynic inside of me grinned while hearing this. These words might as well be bullets shooting holes through this concept called love with their pompousness. 

    One look at the picture I speak of went past such silly utterances, it doesn't need the paltry perversion of words, it's inherent and intuitive – these people are in love and even with divorced parents I believe they are going to make it. The connection in their gaze is inspiring. Maybe it's my romantic nature at work, but somehow I know they will.