Castle's in the Sky

    I’ve been in London an extra week. In a scuzzy library right now with no Wifi... waiting for my mate to finish work. I have a collection of bags with me; an amount of luggage that a friend pointed out with gleeful sarcasm: “was surprisingly little.” Honestly though, just like when I started travelling 11 years back, I hold what I need with me. Most of what I have is stored in my heart and my mind. So many experiences have accumulated; so much more than my little backpack could hope to hold.

  

    Many people say the reason they don’t travel is fear of the unknown. For me it was always the opposite. My greatest fear is the known – the routine. When other people see stability and comfort I see prison like bars staring back at me. I’m terrified of being subjugated to the same required daily action. The idea of relationships formed over time that could actually chain me into one single, expected way of presenting myself makes me tremble. I was never good with expectations or conforming myself. I've had an issue with committing myself to a definite plan, or person - maybe that's why at this point I still don't have a career and I'm single. Maybe it’s time I start seeing the best of the other side? I have to admit that the fool is the one that hold their ideas to tight to their chest without challenge. The ultimate sin for someone “claiming” to be open minded is making the abstract dogmatic and real. Even this present trip was in large part to get beyond something that happened in Edmonton. For as long as I can remember I have avoided the uncertainties in my life by itching my travel addiction.

    I have yet to meet a person that didn’t on occasion need to be jarred out of their own thinking. On this, the eve before I fly to Toronto, I'm holding a wrestling match with my own flock of golden geese... those limiting ideas that I’ve made real. Whereas before maybe I felt fear and an uncertainty of whether I could stand firm against the competition and the uncertainties of life – now I feel defiant. I had tricked myself out of trying by being contemptuous of those that strived for success. I pretended that not trying was evidence of a courageous, artistic spirit that turned its back on the capitalist mantra of competition instead of what it was - a buffoonish, self fulfilling prophecy of failure. I will not be held away from my own destiny based on the residue of thoughts that were non adaptive; thoughts that were built from the seedlings of personal neurosis. I will try, and if I fail, I will try again...

    I need to employ that Danish/Dutch honed openness I profess to have. I need to stretch myself and be open to different ways of life and know intrinsically that though I may accept stability in position, I still will not stop being open and seeking others like me. My friends are the ones that have allowed me to grow. They were the ones that nodded in approval when I was my best, most open self, and gently, but yet firmly enough, let me know I was descending into the murk of selfishness and ego. No amount of money, status, or power will ever come close to the love I feel for those people who have, and will, stand by me. All they ask in return is what I give easily - that I do the same for them.

    Previously, I felt that the only path to success in life was the singular one. A path that would open up like Moses parting the seas; a path not so much found but just followed without issue or obstruction. Maybe that’s what saw me hold on to my own biases so tightly. The detours and discomforts are where the growth takes place. I want to grow still, I want to learn....  Sometimes life and the expectations we put on it will trick us, those expectations become our own castles in the sky, they pervert what we see till everything is just a reflection of those perversions. Above that though, the pure spirit; the idealistic spirit; the resolute spirit will always stand its ground and push back. For those us willing to fight it, life will never hold us down it will make us stronger and more resilient... not to do such however is to cower away from the splendor of what could be.