Follow the Leader

    On Ossington Avenue, Toronto’s latest “cool” spot, sitting chatting with a pretty Danish singer from an old Copenhagen friend’s band. The band, a three piece Euro electronic fusion group, (the best quick description I can come up with) were set to play a show later that night and beforehand we were all smashing down beers. First, I’ll point out that the Danish people are different than North Americans... beyond language they’re much more communal and FAR less competitive and individualistic, because of this they are VERY open, giving people. In most circumstances Danes aren’t trying to impress when they talk to you they’re just being open about themselves and their point of view. You’ll always seem to get a deep conversation out of them. This night was no different... 

     She and I sat talking while the other two band members chatted in Danish beside us.  Before long, as it so often does, the talk turned to relationships.  She presented a fascinating point of view that most North American’s would be reluctant to admit... even if they silently thought it to themselves. Her point was that if one romantic partner inherently wanted the other to take charge of the relationship and be the dominant party no amount of kindness, attempts at equality, or romantic gesture heaped on them could stop them from feeling frustrated and unsatisfied if that wasn’t happening. Intrinsically, they need to be the one doting rather than being doted on. In relationships there are people who naturally love more; they’re hardwired to do this and prefer it. To them being on the bottom of the relationship looking up in a kind of wide eyed admiration is where they want to be - not being put on a pedestal by another person. This line of reasoning does have explanatory power when you think of that “nice” guy not getting the result he wants or why some people let themselves get utterly dominated by their partner without complaint. A person’s nature does not just mold itself to egalitarian principles of evenness. People have roles they feel most comfortable in and not to play that role is to create an incongruence inside them.

    Have I seen or heard other corroboration of this effect she spoke of – oh yes. Mainly I have heard from girls – a large cross section of them of different ages – saying how they don’t like the present crop of so called: emasculated men.  This phenomenon that they speak of has cultural and historically underpinnings as previous to the modern era, let say post 1960’s..., men were expected to be more dominant in relationships. Present day reality has had two surprising effects though. First, many woman have been given the chance to have more agency in their lives than ever before, and secondly many men have jumped at the chance of having less. The reality is there has always been men that wanted to be led and woman who have wanted to lead... now each are having a much larger chance to do that.My Danish friend and I agreed that this effect is not gendered per say really what is at the heart of it is personality types. The real problem resides when a person sticks to unflinchingly to the role they “think” they are suppose to play. Exuding externally a self that does not meet the inner person is a sure fire way to romantic calamity and overall unhappiness.

   In the end it was just talk over beers. Did we reach any definitive answer?.... nah, but still exploration of different ways of seeing the world is art and a joy in of itself. I've never been one to think that reality fits into the nicely constructed boxes that the media tries to place it in. The truth is far more varied and animalistic than people comfortably would like to admit.