Canadian Meanness

     “So my vagina is like the UN.” She paused for effect, not noticing everyone looking cautiously at each other: “because, I’ve had so many different guys from different countries in it.” She proceeded to list the guys by name and their nationalities. Last time I looked vaginas didn’t have massive buildings and conferences about global warming inside of them - at least the ones I’ve encountered. Now for a little back story. Vagina girl, the name I’ll use for her, wants to become a stand up comedian. She was testing her material out on people she knew. Other countries that might be a good idea, but in Canada I’m not so sure.

   A few days later I arrived late for a New Years Eve party.  The early buzz topic was Vagina girl’s comedy routine.  She had done a dry run, no pun intended, before I got there. When I talked to her she was glowing from the positive appraisals she had received. Now imagine my surprise as I mingled around the party only to hear a very different account of the routine. People were saying how cringe worthy it was and how they had been only politely laughing. What I couldn’t understand is how none of this reached vagina girl at all. No one had the courage to actually tell her how to improve the act, they just gave her false comments about how great it was... exactly what she wanted to hear, not what she needed to hear. I think this is the very meanest thing people could have done.  Sure they’re building her ego/confidence, but the problem is what’s being built has a very shoddy foundation.  

    I’ve seen this before growing up in Canada, people being nice rather than saying anything confrontational or slightly unpleasant - it’s a unique Canadian meanness. Why meanness, because it’s disingenuous and creates a false impression. People should try to represent themselves as honestly as they can including admitting viewpoints, especially view points, that might not be liked by others. That’s the only way open, authentic dialogue about things can be adopted as a starting point. If that’s not established as a norm how will you know if people are being genuine? An inquiring mind might actually begin to question the validity of any type of critique received – was I good, or are they just being “nice”?

      The Netherlands is the home of the eccentric, at least to North American eyes,  because they are just so damned honest all the time. I remember once two Dutch colleagues in Amsterdam saying to each other: “I can’t work with you. You’re style infuriates me and in my eyes it’s stupid. BUT – we can have a beer after work and a laugh.” Could I imagine that happening in Canada – NO! Dutch society is based on being totally candid, something Canadian society could learn from. Sometimes they put their foot in their mouths as they talk from feeling, but at the same time they certainly don’t hide their thoughts.  There is transparency of character in the Netherlands.

    Back in Toronto, and when I say this please know this isn’t “everyone”, the non confrontational thing rears up often.  When discussing controversial subjects (politics, art/culture, religion) a lot of people tip toe around establishing a firm view point – they wait to see what the other person’s position is then more or less agree. The question is do they agree though, or are they trying to be socially benevolent? I say this, because I have seen the same person on occasion seemingly hold two mutually exclusive positions depending on who they are talking to. Personally, I don’t like it... that lack of position cloaks a person’s real views. Social dialogues shouldn’t be viewed as confrontational rather as moments when ideas are forged and people grow beyond their perspective. A weak person gives up on their views , or hides them, at a moment’s confrontation, but conversely, and worse still, a fool holds on to their views no matter what. To me it’s kindness to question rather than agree. That’s what I want for myself, people to show me that they respect me by helping me push my ideas further and challenge them.

     Now I wish people would have done the same for vagina girl. At the end of the day in regards to comedy, or art, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. She could have found an audience that liked it somewhere, and more importantly improved what she had.  Being nice, just for the sake of being “nice” is anything but.