The Gamble

     Time to hit the gym, buy that fresh top, and feed myself positive affirmations to build up my game: you’re the man, woman are powerless to you, blah, blah, blah.... Such is being single as a guy in this day and age. Since our culture generally still puts the onus on men for approaching woman a large aspect of being successful at it is building up both the mind set and the strategy for attracting woman. A lot of it has to do with the image one puts forth.  At the end of the day it can feel a little like crafting yourself into a product for consumption and acting...

    In North America being blasé is king when meeting girls. The key is never show too much too quickly, or ever allow yourself to show to much attraction. Romance in the new millennium is like a poker game where one’s hand must be hidden till it’s ready to be laid down. Showing interest then pulling that interest back is a regular strategy. This tactic creates a vacuum of uncertainty in the other person and often may lead them to lean forward out of their own enflamed insecurities. The dividends are twofold for this approach; first, this gives the risk and work of showing attraction to the other person, which of course secondly protects you from emotional risk yourself. As a ground rule, authenticity and openness are to be avoided... unless they can be used strategically to gain more trust from the other person. The key is to establish “hand” in the relationship by inflating oneself in the other’s eyes while chipping away at their confidence slowly as to maintain the pattern.  This can be maintained indefinitely or till something better comes along. If the latter happens the above procedure is repeated as the previous person is sent on their way – probably feeling a lot worse about themselves. Kind of whack, hmmmmmmm...? Well personally I believe there is another way.   

     Authenticity and being genuine can also be the central tenets of a single guy. Contrary to the more combative style of relationships just detailed one can also put honest presentations of the self forward. In doing this the girl you’re with can get an accurate sense of the person you are. With the right girl this approach would allow her to feel comfortable and safe to be herself too.  Another important dynamic is to show the same protective concern you would for yourself for her – if not more. Really the goal should be to see her come out of her shell – not so you can exploit it, but rather so you can bask in the knowledge that you are meeting the real person. 

    Are there risks to this approach? Most definitely – and there is no assurance either that in being authentic that the other person will, or even if they do that the connection will truly be there. We live in a world of so much variation that the “right” match is elusive – especially when the dynamics of physical and sexual attraction also come into play. The latter attributes are inherently binary in nature and really are there or not there. The most pressing danger of course is the possibility of being rejected for your authentic self. However not to put the real you out there is a sure fire way to end up with the wrong person for the wrong reasons anyway. Naturally one cannot be reckless in this regard as the pain of true rejection is as sharp as any feeling there is. Again though as the saying goes “without risk there is no reward” and the possibility of true intimacy and passion is a reward beyond anything material tenfold. Really it’s the only chance of making a true connection and because of that a gamble worth making...