Your Money is Gone in 60 Seconds…

I watched an interesting documentary the other day about how a vast majority of professional athletes go broke within 5 years of retiring!... two years actually if you are from the NFL! The source of these statistics is a Sports Illustrated article that says 80% of pro athletes end up nearly penniless; numbers, if you can believe it, that often also include players whose career earnings are in the tens of millions and even in some cases over a hundred million – think Allen Iverson, Antoine Walker and the dog abuser Michael Vick for the latter. On the surface it seems ludicrous and unbelievable, but the numbers bare it out. If you were to analyze the phenomena a lion’s share of the fault certainly needs to be placed where it belongs at the feet of the over sized egos of the players and their utter lack of any financial responsibility, but are there other culprits too? Perhaps there is something to be said too about North American society and the way it perverts people’s minds about what showing success actually means.  Not to mention how “normal” people start acting when they are around those who all of a sudden have a LOT of money.

The Buying High

When you hear sometimes about people with shopping addictions, as you do when you don’t have that specific addiction..., you wonder what the hell? That said, shopping can be an addiction like any other. When you buy something it releases dopamine in your brain and you feel good. An issue is that like other drugs people try to chase that same high, of their first big purchase (perhaps a new car ) and end up continuously buying more and more extravagant things. The  most telling story in the documentary was of an NFL line man who when given news that he was being released from his pro team and was given $60 grand severance he took the money and bought the new Hummer that had just come out. Old habits die hard, and that was the last big ticket item he was ever able to afford. The pro athletes also are pitted against one another in a perverse game of keeping up with the Jones. In the case of the 7th man on the Miami Heat, it's probably not wise to go dollar for dollar with Dwayne Wade and Lebron Jame's spending habits... but miraculously many do. 


Can’t buy me love 

That once was a Beatles song, before they got a lot more esoteric, and lyric that has some truth, but does it totally. The pro athletes are faced with a slew of woman trying to get pregnant, and if they are lucky married, to them. If a woman can get a successful paternity suit they  have won the Super Bowl of groupies and will be the epitome of the stay at home mom… stay at home that is with $20,000 grand a month for living costs till the child is 18. The documentary even talked about a web site called www.balleralert.com where groupies can subscribe to web and phone alerts when pro athletes are out at clubs so they can get done up and down there themselves. Beyond the groupies, the pro athletes’ worst mistake, according to an agent in the documentary, is getting married at all- especially without a pre-nuptial agreement. With divorce rates for athletes running in 70 – 80% so often the athletes see their earnings, especially after their playing days, going to ex-wives and baby mommas. Shawn Kemp, an NBA star with the Seattle Supersonics in the 90's, sees much of his money go to his 9 children with 9 different woman. In many ways it seems a horrid trade off, getting rich playing a sport may hold that person away from the riches paid out from real love.

Bugs don’t just exist on plants

This summer I tried my hand at growing some herbs and vegetables in my bay windows. With plenty of light and a reasonably attentive human parent for them… what could go wrong, right? Well… I never calculated for random bugs attacking the plants at their most sensitive areas – the fruit trying to grow from them and their budding leaves. What I realized watching it was that where there is an excess of energy different organisms will try to feed off of that energy.

Hearing the stories of the pro athletes it would appear insects being attracted to a source of sustenance is not held just to the animal kingdom. Time and time again you hear about athletes being suckered in by shady business men offering can’t miss investments, financial advisors out right robbing them, and worse yet family and friends exercising guilt and whatever else they can to get money. Being near money has a perverse effect on a lot of people. Though money is a reified man made concept it exercises the same force on reality that objects, like the leaves of a plant do to insects, in nature.

 Whether it is being attracted in swarms to young seedlings or swarming to somebody with lots of money there are insects everywhere. This is an issue the athlete has fending off the advances of those desirous of them… as the Notorious B.I.G. once said: “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” 

Varied Travel Writings

A couple piece of travel writing I have done recently for other web sites.

How to do Copenhagen Right,
http://diamondatlas.com/how-to-do-copenhagen-right/

London an introductory how to guide
http://diamondatlas.com/london-an-introductory-how-to-guide/

An Intro to Amsterdam's Red Light District
http://diamondatlas.com/an-intro-to-amsterdams-red-light-district/

Worth the Paper it was Printed On

Never has there been an era in my life time when a university degree has been more maligned. Not a University degree all together -leaving out the professional degrees – I am speaking more so of a liberal arts degree and to a lesser extent a science degree. For years, I heard back in Edmonton – a place where a premium is placed on practicality – how useless an arts degree was and how it created self entitled, unskilled individuals who in no shape or form were near the equivalent of a technical school graduate. Now with a glut of University Degrees - as a bubble of sorts developed the last decades where it was thought that a degree would immediately vault its holder into the middle class – a Bachelor of Arts is yielding less than ever job wise in a poor economy. With this information handy I have to ask myself, with future prospects presently not looking particular bright, would I take a liberal arts degree again if given the chance to redo it?

Connecting the past and the furture

Yes, I would and this is why. My degree in History and Sociology truly opened my mind’s eye to a world away from what I thought I knew. The ideas that I was brought into contact initially connected me not just to the present, but to a world of ideas and knowledge from the past which in turn gave me a method to look at the future. I was given a set of optics crafted from the thoughts of other thinkers to evaluate, critique, and understand what is around me in practical and abstract terms. Now to ask a rhetorical question, is the ability to think about society, art, and culture an avenue that has pragmatic social utility?... perhaps not, but still it is valid even if HR professionals and middle managers would have us believe it is not. I once told a girl friend if there was no art I wouldn’t want to live (I put intellectualism in with art) and I still feel that way. Beyond what is in front of our senses lies a beautiful world of ideas that I would have never have known about without further education. For me personally, it's that world that matters most.  

If you can’t see it, is it still there

The main skill I learnt in University was accessing things that are abstract and developing methods to question what is around me. In society, as it is now, these skills actually put you at a disadvantage as they stand against the status quo. The ability to assess information is the hall mark of an arts degree and it is this skill that creates a populous that will not passively accept dictates handed down to them about how they are suppose to perceive reality. Naturally these skills are not particularly liked in employers who would prefer to have employees that are passive and listen to rules without question, comment, or personality. People who think are dangerous and the question is why is that?  Perhaps because they have the possibility of leading legitimate dissent  against entrenched power structures. Those that do not respond to incentives they are "suppose" to - those incentives that have been socially engineered for people to respond to -are the actors that could effect change. The potential of this ability is a very powerful gift.

The question is more important than the answer

Perhaps a Bachelor Degree does not answer ones needs for societal reward, or even a passable income, but it still does give that possibility of seeing what is really there. In the end the trappings of success are just tertiary and lose their appeal as they become to common place for a person, being able to question and think for one self is the ultimate reward and the blue print for a worthwhile life. Now is a bachelor’s degree required for gaining this ability – no, does having a B.A. mean you will definitely get this view point – no... all that I am saying is that it certainly helped me get it. For that reason alone, despite all the derogatory things said about it, that made my B.A. worthwhile and something that enriched my life. 

Meditations from a Thirtysomething...

I remember growing up and seeing the television show “30 Something” in the late 80’s. The show always received rave reviews for its gritty depictions of baby boomers in their 30’s. At the time I quickly turned it off while at the same time thinking how much I hated one of the main characters long, Micheal Bulton’esque’ hair. The show had no relevance to me, I was just a kid in elementary and their issues and world views seemed alien and light years away. Well... here I am, having just turned 36 last week. I’ve lived, in my eyes, a successful life to date as I have a wealth of travel experience and have been fortunate to develop a number of sturdy, life long relationships. With that said, I have decided to grant myself a little Birthday self indulgence and write down a few meditations I have been having lately about life. Marcus Aurelius I’m not, but here goes...

Listen to other world views openly, without trying to trying to sell your own, “to hard”...

There are nearly an unlimited amount of different world views. You have the doers, the thinkers, the liberals, the conservatives, the foodies, the exercise junkies, the pessimists, the stoners, the over achievers... feel free to add to the list ad-infinitum. Each world view has pros and cons and generally can be applied to some circumstances with wonderful ease while fitting others horrifically. People that hold on to their view tightly usually try to surround themselves by people who think the same way. 

In my own pondering of Fredrich Nietzsche’s phrase “The Will to Power” I feel that the greatest demonstration of power is enacting ones own world view on to others. With that said, and not going into the social and political implications of that thought (for now... maybe another blog), people get tremendous pleasure and a sense of worth by getting others to think like they do, it’s the ultimate self validation. People, me included, really can’t stop themselves from trying to export their world view. The reality though is it almost never will be successful unless: A) the converted person is an utter doormat; or, B) the person pretty much thought that way to begin with. My comment here is learn about the world by watching the other world views than you have... soak them in, try to understand, try to intellectualize from that point of view, try to empathize with them. Doing this a great way to grow as a person.

In a sentence, try less to sell your world view and more to observe and learn from those you see around you.

Choose your battles, be easy going and flexible until you really have to go all in with confrontation...

Would you rather be right or happy? When I was younger I always wanted to feel that I was right. Connecting to the previous point, I was constantly trying to sell my world view to others. A conclusion that I have reached getting a touch older is simply – is there even a “right”? Think about that for a second, in terms of morals, scruples, and politics they each are culturally and interpersonally subjective and even in science – the so called bastion of the empiric world – a concept resides as truth until it is disproven. What I am saying here is that there really isn’t a definite “truth” except for what we as individuals decide that we want to whole heartedly believe in. 

Fighting to change someone else is self indulgence rearing its ugly head. Since most discussions of ideas are done in fun, spiced up perhaps with a little friendly competitiveness,  don’t bother fighting over them just enjoy the mental interplay. The caveat to this is if another person gratuitously attacks with malice the core of your world view. In those circumstances then it is worthwhile to go all in with confrontation, these moments should be used sparingly though and not based on perceived sleight.

The last quick thought I would say about getting older is I felt like I knew more when I was 20... everything seemed so definite in the ignorance of youth, at 36 I have pretty much realized how little I knew all along. 

The Devil Wears Holt Renfrew

“She has a confident walk.” 

“You should be a politician with that answer.”

“Well, meeting random people in the lunch room… who knows whose friends with who.” I was talking with an expat Irish man I had just met in the lunch room of a Toronto advertising company I was temping at. 

“True - though I’d say her walk is downright rude.”

“Okay, she does sound a bit like a horse trotting. For a low level employee though that's a god send.”

“Oh yeah - why?”

“You know well in advance when HR is coming.“

Anyone who has known me knows that I have not always held the highest esteem for members of the HR profession. My usual position, with a "few" exceptions,  is that they are vapid watch dogs who suck the spontaneity out of any work place and time people’s piss breaks with a stop watch. Their role is to help perpetuate that brutishly fake corporate culture where people sit in a lunch room and don’t talk to each other about anything beyond their job, sports, and extremely mainstream television. They are the teacher, the police man, the N.A.R.C. that forces everyone to behave completely average or be noticed for not doing so. Their profession looks to continue the fakeness of the job interview and make it into day to day theater.  How do they do this?... simple, come under HR’s cross hairs and your days at that company are done. Surf the net – HR will catch you; show up five minutes late from lunch – HR will catch you; cough to loud – HR will catch you; scratch your balls – HR will catch you.

At the ad agency I was privy for a few days to the loud walking HR lady. I was facing her desk with her back to me doing data entry. She spoke loudly with no filter despite my proximity, obviously not concerned if I heard. She was a tall woman, around 6 feet with heels on, probably early 40's with blond hair becoming a touch wispy with age, she had a husky unfeminine voice, and expensive looking skirts each day... perhaps from Holt Renfrew. 

What stood out most was staff coming up to her to tattle on other staff. Of those that wandered up, and there were a few, the one I remembered most was a lady about to go on vacation. People – rightfully so – get rather nervous when they head off on their short Canadian vacations that their job will be taken over by someone else. This soon to be vacationer, in hushed tones, proceeded to bash the girl who would be doing her job while she was gone, literally only stopping short of saying that she shouldn’t have a job at all. All through this the HR queen just nodded and listened… one could only wonder which of these two would really come under her cross hairs. 

Horse feet could make and break people at the agency. Though my time was short there she even managed to flare up my hopes. She played me well my first day saying she had seen my resume when I took the temporary assignment and had noticed I was a copy writer. Her exact words had been that I would have to dust off my portfolio. That put on enthusiasm dissipated after I worked my ass off at a menial task to try to impress her. When it came to looking at the portfolio it collected dust on her desk as I was subjected to watching her from my vantage not even look at it for one second the entire day after I gave it to her in the morning. My fate left to a woman so connected to regular people - the regular people she hires, fires and manages -  that she expounded this personal philosophy during one of her self indulgent mid work day rants: “There is no way in this day and age that you can raise a child without a nanny.”

Stengade – “Divided they fall together they stand”

When people think of Denmark one of the first things that comes to mind is the communal aspect of the culture. Now this shows up across the nation, but in one special case communalism has crossed over between the worlds of art and business. With monetary support from the Copenhagen municipal government the classic music venue Stengade 30 has been re-opened and is now being run by volunteers. The present reincarnation of Stengade allows young people with a passion for music the opportunity to direct their energy towards making the venue a success while gaining valuable industry experience.  Stengade has become an icon for communalism and socialism on a micro level as profit isn’t the goal - promotion of art and culture is.

 Stengade 30, named for the Street it resides on – Stengade, has been a hall mark venue for music in Copenhagen for the past forty years. The building itself erected in the 1930’s has enjoyed several different uses; initially it served as the hall for the painter’s union, then a TV station, and even existed as a squat house during the late 1960’s. Finally in 1973 it became the Stengade 30: a music venue and rock club. In this incarnation the Stengade thrived for years housing major Danish and international bands. Legendary Danish rockers Dizzy Mizz Lizzy as well as international icons like Sound Garden have graced the stage. However, after much success the new millennium was not so kind to Stengade 30. In 2009, after financial woes throughout the decade, Stengade was forced to close its doors because of debt and poor management. In the wake of this a major avenue for Copenhagen music was closed, seemingly forever...

From the ashes of the original Stengade arose Stengade 18 a new communal association not dictated by the greed of management and sticky fingered bar man, but rather by the passions of volunteers. Led by general manager Aslak Balle Hansen volunteers completely staff the Stengade since it’s reopening and fill all aspects of the venue’s operations. Departments have been opened for management and band booking, communications/ marketing, technology/sound, and bar staff. Decisions are not handed down as decrees, but rather made through consensus.

The volunteers are the engine that drives the Stengade. When asked why he works at Stengade, marketing strategist Alexander Lange had the following to say. “Working at the Stengade gives me the opportunity to see culture grow in Copenhagen and to give non mainstream bands a chance.”  This type of sentiment was echoed by band booker Nicolai Winther when asked why he was a part of Stengade. He answered passionately: “... because I love music, and I want to be part of a place that cares about music too.” Volunteers at the Stengade are concerned about the whole organization, because they are more than a cog - they are truly part of it. Success of the Stengade has become part of their identity as they have formed together into a dynamic group connected in purpose.

 As a Canadian writer having visited the Stengade I have never seen employees in this type of venue step away from their own interest for the purpose of seeing the group succeed. From the people I spoke with employees of the Stengade seem to get personal enrichment from the venues success. Without a top down hierarchy the volunteers feel like they are part of what is happening; their enthusiasm is not sucked away by monetary incentive. They choose to be there and for them that is incentive enough.

When you enter the venue patrons are immediately amongst the volunteers – they’re at the door, behind the bar, in the venue office. In a progressively more isolated world of social networking and individualism run rampant the dynamic in the Stengade is a breath of fresh air. There is a sense of unity here that is undeniable and something totally Danish. 

My Favourite Foreign Films

A while back I choose my favourite American films. ( http://iwasjustthinkingsomething.blogspot.ca/2012/06/top-20-american-films.html ) Now the time is right, after several personal blogs, to turn my sights to foreign film. Using a similar structure as the American film list, I have chosen, in no particular order, my favourite – not the “best” – foreign films. The list I have compiled while perhaps a little heavy in nature, is - in my mind’s eye – brilliant, thought provoking cinema. International directors, to their credit, are unafraid and unapologetic for making films of depth and tough subject matter. My choices have stories that range from a meteor cascading towards earth, a Mexican road trip, and a family gathering that has gone more than a little pear shaped. My hope is that for anyone that reads this list perhaps you’ll see some films that appear interesting to you and check them out. I have provided a brief synopsis with the films and some of my quick thoughts why I like them.

The Seventh Seal (Sweden) 1957  - A knight returning from the Holy Crusades questions his own existence, death, and life while playing chess with no more devious of an opponent than death himself. Igmar Bergman has long been the voice of Nordic cinematic existentialism and the depth of his story telling and range as a director are unmatched with this film of ideas. This film has seen itself seep into literature and popular culture in a variety of ways.

City of God (Brazil) 2002 – The City of God is one of the world’s most nefarious and dangerous slums in Rio De Janeiro. From the depths of this drug infested hell comes a story of the kids, on the right and wrong side of the law, that are both the perpetrators of this lawlessness and its casualties. This is the story behind  world be headlines of murder, exploitation and the war on drugs given a human touch.

Melancholia (Denmark) 2011 – A film of gripping intensity as a meteor plummets towards earth during a depressed woman's wedding. Never one to paint a rosy picture of human nature, Danish director Lars Von Triers looks at the already tangled interpersonal relationships of the bride to be and how catastrophe perhaps can be the only means to repair fragmented relationships and a damaged sense of self. The imagery of this film is luminous and horrifying... trademarks of Lars.

Amores Peres (Mexico) 2000 – Three inter related stories all centering around a horrific car accident in Mexico City unveil the complexities of modern life across social class. Seamlessly blended these stories  show realities seemingly unrelated and how the human experience cannot help but intermingle whether we know it or not. This film was once called the Mexican Pulp Fiction.

Reprise (Norway) 2006 – A coming of age story of two aspiring writers dealing with the pressures of young adult hood in Oslo, Norway. In turn funny and intense this film is a must for anyone that sees themselves possibly as a writer. There are prices one pays for giving themselves to art and this film encapsulates that while being stylish, funny and witty.

Y Tu Mama Tambien (Mexico) 2001 – Two teenage boys seize the opportunity to take an attractive older woman on a road trip across Mexico. Equal parts a tale of sexual discovery, friendship, and a discovery of Mexico itself and the shattering bonds of a land - as we can see even more now  in 2013– in peril from internal and external forces. The camaraderie of the leads brought me back to my own youth when everything seemed so possible.  I really laughed during this one.

The Lives of Others (Germany) 2006 –  ” The Lives of Other” tells the stories of artists in East Berlin and the limitations placed on their expression by an autocratic system that breeds mediocrity and enforces conformity.  People in this era legitimately feared who they spoke to and were amiss to even be candid in their own homes fearing bugs and government surveillance. This film is really thought provoking and scary stuff. Especially since it really happened.  

Persona (Sweden) 1966 – Is a persona an island of individuality or could it somehow merge with another person? After mysteriously stopping speaking and going mute in the middle of a performance an actress seeks treatment at a secluded cabin. A demonic relationship develops between her and her nurse as literally the idea of who they are becomes mixed between them. A true psychological thriller and Igmar Begman's second film on my list.   

Amelie (France) 2001 – With all these “heavy” films it’s nice to have one that just wants to show love and how everyone is better off having it in their life. This film is Jane Austen’s “Emma” transposed from England to Paris, France and given all the French trimmings. Amelie is a master of finding love for everyone around her just not for herself. No film endows Paris with magic like this, it breaths a new life into the Momartre district with its drowning water colours and magical realism. 

L’ Avventura (Italy) 1960 - During a yachting trip when a woman inexplicable disappears her boy friend and her best friend search for her. Most films are made for entertainment, this film actually puts forward an accurate portrayal of life as it is and the effect of time changing things whether we like it or not.  A stark display of the lengths people will go, or won’t go, for one another. A very unnerving slowly paced film - essential viewing if just once.

Pan’s Labyrinth (Spain) 2006 – If sheer terror was paramount on earth could it reach another dimension? Or perhaps would you create another world in which to psychologically escape from this horror? Such are the questions that face a young Spanish girl during the dogged days of the Spanish revolution. Wildly inventive, with surrealistic creatures that wouldn’t be out of place in a Salvador Dali painting, this film pushes art as projected through cinema to its limits. 

Festen (Denmark) 1998- With perhaps the most iconic and outrageous Birthday toast ever (below as a youtube clip) , Festen is a Danish dark comedy that manages to sear through social taboo without breaking stride or failing to entertain. A family gathering for their fathers 50^th birthday takes an unexpected turn and a family is forced to deal with truths previously swept deep underneath the rug. Amazingly laughs or brought in effectively to carry through otherwise extremely taboo subject matter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7N-x9TGCuw

Persepolis (Iran)  2007 - Unique animation is used to tell the story of a girl’s life growing up in Tehran and trying to find herself during Iran’s cultural revolution. Both eye opening to see how another culture, specifically middle Eastern culture, works, and more importantly engaging in showing that in reality we are all just the same as "people" regardless of the culture that generates many of our beliefs.

Down Fall (Germany) 2004 – The last days of World War 2 in Hitler’s Berlin bunker of the defeated Germans. Using a unique vantage the story is told through the eyes of Hitler’s secretary. Viewers are treated to a searing tale of megalomania and madness as Hitler and his chief lieutenants don’t want to believe, and in some cases will not believe, the war is lost. A psychological tour de force on a personal and a collective level. 

Waltz with Bashir (Isreal) 2008- A surrealist look at war and the effects it has on the minds of the combatants. A veteran of the Lebanon conflict in Israel tries to deduce why he cannot remember battles he was a part of, and to understand the nature of bizarre dreams that he cannot shake. Using animation, the realities of the mind – as fleeting as they can be – or transposed with the narrators journey of self discovery.

Lilya 4 Ever (Sweden) 2002 – Sixteen year old Lilya thinks that she is in love, but her dreams of a new life turn into a nightmare as she is tricked from her home in Estonia into a life of sexual slavery in Sweden. This film is deeper, darker, and more authentic than Hollywood’s try at the same topic of human trafficking “The Whistle Blower.” A hue of surrealism is employed to show how Lilya literally creates her own make believe world to disassociate from her horrid reality. Harrowing and eye opening stuff. 

The One Year Marker - Now and Then...

I was just considering making a one year back in Canada blog and I just by chance found my last such effort back when I was one year back in Canada from Amsterdam in 2007. ( See below as part 2) Fast forward 5 years and I am in the same situation, back in Canada after a year out in Denmark. Granted, this time there were plenty of differences. The main one being that I wasn’t on the back of a 6 year expedition previous to returning. Also, being in Toronto isn’t a new thing anymore. This is home. Is it perfect, well nope… if perfect means everything being handed to you, but it has the qualities I need and appreciate.

Time for a comparative discussion of Toronto versus other cities I have lived in.  On the surface, the main thing Toronto has going for it is that THEY CAN’T KICK ME OUT! I actually have the right to stay, which is something that was a bit of a stumbling block for me in the past. That’s not the full story though. The truth is that like the other cities I have lived in and enjoyed – Edinburgh, London, Sydney, Amsterdam, Copenhagen – I’ve developed close bonds with a lot of people. The beauty is this time these bonds are just going to continue to grow. I know it’s a cliché, but I really do believe that life is just about the relationships you form. If you need a million dollars to show the right status to people to be in their presence, so be it. But, I find that 30 dollars for beer should do just fine. Anyone who isn’t into that, rich or not, isn’t anyone I’m interested in knowing. I like people, like me, that are in the struggle: struggling for love, struggling for peace of mind; struggling for security; struggling for professional recognition; struggling to be their best selves… For those that don’t struggle have given in to the status quo and have become passive. Even if you’re not a traveler anymore, the pathos of the open spirit is striving and yearning and that is the struggle.

So there was my obligatory philosophical tirade – the doings and un-doings of my platonic mind type – now for some real talk. Toronto has a good size, its 4.5 million people with 2.5 million near, or near"ish" to downtown. That size means you can know the city well, but still find new things regularly. Perhaps for all of my continuous praise for London that gem of metropolitan life might be a little too big. I get around 9 months of the year in Toronto by bike, a proposition in London that would be impossible. Especially as the older people get the further they move from central London. What I have witnessed through friends is that given time London becomes more about the area you live in rather than the attractions of the centre. People eventually tend to rarely leave their niche socially. Toronto doesn’t have that problem. Everything is accessible enough.

There’s a place for anyone to go in Toronto as well depending on your mood and personality. Here is a little rundown of some of the locales. The artistic, intellectual sets generally flock to the Annex – more hardcore academic, writer types – and Queen Street West – slightly more musician, artist, faux hipsters. Both of them are great spots for the alternative scene of Toronto and my favourite parts of the city. Queen Street west houses a new jewel, by Canadian standards, with Trinity Bell Woods Park. People in the park are basically allowed to drink un-accosted by police. To my European friends that would seem like a natural right… but alas, in Canada we tend to be over controlled. King Street, one major street down from Queen, caters more to young professionals. Can be fun, but also has a veneer of snobbishness and yuppie entitlement. College street is kind of an inbetween for King  and Queen street for people that find one or the other to polarizing. The entertainment district, right downtown, is for the younglings who want to party club style. I guess I’m getting old, as I haven’t been down there at night since being back a year. To the east and west there are interesting boroughs for people wanting to be outside of the bright lights of downtown. The west has High Park, with Toronto’s largest park and trail network, and a pretty chilled area called the Bloor West Village. To the east is Leslieville and the Beaches. The beaches is Toronto’s attempt at beach culture, which goes alright – complete with beach volleyball and bikinis - except for one annoying fact – it’s not safe to actually go into the waters of lake Ontario. There are also more beaches on centre island – a small island just south of downtown on lake Ontario that you get to by ferry.

So my one year back words one topic spun forth more than any other - Toronto and the city it is… The reason for that is that this is home. I’m going to make it here or nowhere. Challenges lay ahead, but then again that will make it that much sweeter when it all works out smashingly. There is poetry in the struggle if you look for it…

Part two: Words a year back from Amsterdam 2007

  So a year has past since I have left Amsterdam, and ended my six year expedition. Considering in due candor there have been some enjoyable elements to my return as well as some obstacles to overcome… One thing as a traveler I put forth was perseverance, I knew that giving up on a poor situation was not an option. Will power, courage, and creativity will elicit the answer to those that have the patience and the confidence in themselves to allow an answer, or a situation to arise, that flips things upside down.

Now considering my travels, I do have to say that those dual elements did serve me well. There were times when easily I could have capitulated and folded under the weight of adversity. I could have followed suit of others, many others, that I have seen give in to stress and head straight home for the security of their home city. I always chose not to do this. Even during those times that I didn’t have money and I felt the fear and the pinch of poverty across my body and my thoughts. Especially then, I chose to stand tall and learn about myself and those around me from the experience. There is no better time to look into your self and try to grow beyond your own doubt and insecurities then when times are rough. 

Having spoken about the down times, my travels showed me that either through luck, or as a by product to my personality, I have had some amazing opportunities come my way. A person that has their imagination peeked by the strainer of necessity is ready to leap on an opportunity.  Like being given the chance to earn 5000 pounds in one month working nights in a shop in Edinburgh, or getting the opportunity to go from being a dishwasher to a copy writer in one of Amsterdam’s most successful advertising/ multi media companies with one interview and never showing a resume.I heard once you have to be at the right place at the right time. One element of that equation is left out: being in the right place at the right time, and being the right person to jump on an opportunity. 

The year in Canada has shown me that success here is not a given and something that one needs to strive for. Why have it any way. Comfort and complacency are the fuel of a lethargic mind… a dynamic mind feeds on tension and a need to move forward and step beyond any rings of idiosyncrasy. Bring it on, it's interesting to see what the future will hold... 

Buy Some Furniture

I always knew that having lived a life “perceived” as leisure by others would have consequences. My initial thought was that people would look down on me for not having more at my age materially. I’ve seen a lot of people I’ve known, and fair play to them for it, judge themselves versus others (often their friends) by how nice of things they have. I am laughably behind in that game. What I didn’t bank on however was my character also coming under heavy scrutiny. I have become aware that in some corridors, I am perceived as a bit flaky and a person who some believe won’t stand in for the long haul. There can be no doubt it sucks to have your character judged on externalities, but at the end of the day there is little you can do about it. All a person can do is move towards their own vision for themselves and not be dissuaded from that vision despite obstacles, real and perceived, that come up.

Sitting in a Psychology class a few years back our professor discussed the best way to predict future behavior - looking at past behavior. The basis was that if an individual has done something before:

A) They have set a precedent of action and very well may return to it.

B) That precedent of action may become a learned response to stimulus happening around them, and thus be repeated.

Generally, I consider this mechanism to understand behavior to be effective, but unfortuantly it easily can be used for me as an explanatory tool too. The fact that I chose to travel as much as I did has some people around me not thinking if I will travel again, but rather when I will. All of this despite my assurances that I will not take extended trips anymore. Arm chair psychologists, which of course I’m more than guilty of being, have me pegged as a loafer and a drifter who doesn’t stay places because, perhaps, I’m not willing to take the steps required to establish myself in life. That has validity for sure as a position, but... having the advantage of living inside my own mind tells me that they are wrong.

 I will concede this, establishing yourself in a new city and sorting out your base problems (food, shelter, getting a few friends) is the easy part. The next set of hurdles is where the real challenge lies; actually establishing a stable, or perceived to be stable, position in society. Where you live, how you live, and what you can show about that lifestyle forms the seed of our reputation to other people. Many people, actually… most people, have spent a lot of their time working on this since getting out of University or College. Kidding yourself that this is not a serious way of being evaluated is silly. People move up in their careers and their living situations grow as they do. Getting older it becomes painfully apparent that a reputation is hard to break.

The reckoning I knew was coming was that being behind in this game, and for a number of years not even bothering to play, that I would face a poor perception because of it. A lot of people believe that I will never give up being gypsy and that my stock answer for challenging times is to leave the challenge and skirt away. Of course, I want to be more established and stable… but similar to a reputation that cannot happen overnight.  I need to work at things slowly but surely... just like Andy Dufresne chipping away at the wall each night in “The Shawshank Redemption.” 

On an intellectual level I will say this, the escape of travel is a joy – and I will always remember it as such – BUT, escaping again does not fit into my plans. Stepping away just means the same road blocks would exist when I get back.  I’m not going anywhere this time. I just want to take a step back, put my ego to the side, and face the reality of the decisions that I have made.  Perhaps, I will take my mother’s advice. She is a practical woman; compared to my occasional over thought, over wrought, perfume soaked idealism. 

“Buy some furniture, then people will believe that you are going to stay.” 

King of the Big Four

 Just read an interesting article by Rolling Stones writer Chuck Klosterman in which he stepped out on a limb and chose his favourite television program from the big four. The big four is the agreed upon most popular television series from the last ten years with two HBO series: “The Wire” and “The Sopranos” and two AMC: “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad” being named. The winner in Chuck’s eyes – drum roll please...  - “Breaking Bad.” A worthy show, but the best of the bunch?... I don’t think so.

As AMC and HBO each had two shows in some ways this debate comes down to a comparison of the networks themselves. HBO goes, with some notable exceptions – think “True Blood”, for realism. They do this on a scale that has never been seen before on television. AMC on the other hand creates stylized entertainment for adults, not to say there isn’t realism... but more television “realism” with cliff-hangers, sometimes even cliff-hangers at commercial breaks.  Placing your allegiance to one of the networks begs the question – is your core interest in watching television/films to escape reality, or learn more about it? If you answer is to escape it – AMC is your best bet, if you want to learn more about it HBO would be your choice. Me – I’ve always wanted to learn more about reality from the media I consume. So with that in mind, there is no show that delves deeper into the murk of life quite like “The Wire” my choice for the best of the four series. Morality and reality becomes skewed when it’s presented through a single character exclusively - really how many things can happen to one person? I’ve used this thought before to criticize shows, but there is an inventive way around this problem a tactic “The Wire” used brilliantly! More on that in a little bit.  

First, I want to take a quick look at the protagonist of each of the big four.

“Breaking Bad” is about Walter White an underemployed, underappreciated, and underachieving Chemistry PHD who becomes a meth cook. A common direction for brilliant under achievers to go right...? Walter’s rationale for this seemingly irredeemable choice is that after finding out he is terminally ill he wants to look after his family financially when he is gone. What is intriguing about the show is that what starts out as a fish out of water, quasi comedy morphs to something much more sinister. This change of tone and pathos in the show is something I really like about it. Eventually the question is begged, as Walter’s health scare is averted, does he really want to stop what he is doing, or is he starting to like the power and respect he is getting from doing it?  As Chuck brought up in his article, the question being asked is whether someone fundamentally is good or bad, or does each of us using our free will decide in any given moment to do good or bad things?

Extorting, robbing and killing... all in a day’s work for the Soprano crew. “The Sopranos” was an amazing show that revolutionized the gangster genre... humanized it.  Tony Soprano is the patriarch of his own family and the crime family he runs. At turns he is ruthless and others enduring - he confesses his inner feelings to a psychiatrist for god sakes! He does horrible things, but shows such affection at other times and genuinely cares about his family. Still though is there a tipping point on some cosmic scale where the sheer horror and volume of evil you have done nullifies all good you do as well?

Definitely the most stylish series of the litter “Mad Men” looks at Madison Avenue advertising executive Donald Draper as he boozes, womanizes, and creates brilliant advertising in 1960’s New York City. This is an era drama where men were men and women were – well... under the men. These boys drink at lunch, and any other time they feel like it, objectify their secretaries and enjoy self indulgence as their simple right. In terms of the morality of the characters, especially Don, they get a pass because the show seems to imply that this is just how it was back then. For this reason, and the simplicity of that explanation, Mad Men is my least favourite of the big four. Still a great show though just has the least depth of the bunch.  

 “The Wire” is a Dickensian morality tale based in crime infested Baltimore. What sets “The Wire” apart from the other worthy shows is that rather than centering on one lead character, the lead character is the city itself. This is what I aluded to earlier, an entire city can never run out of intriguing, plausible story lines unlike a single character. Each of the five planned seasons, focuses on another of Baltimore’s civil institutions giving a kaleidoscopic view of the city from its lowliest heroin addicts right up to its mayor. Jean  Jacques Rousseau's philosophy is on parade as the show implies that immorality is derived most from the dysfunctions of society as opposed to the dysfunctions of human nature. “The Wire” doesn’t make it that easy there is good in drug dealers and bad in police men. What is shown are the infinite shades of grey that define real life. Unlike Walter White we don’t choose to go from black or white; or Tony Soprano choose black for everyone else and white for our family; or Donald Draper get a pass because of the era were from; rather as the Wire shows we all are in a grey world of nihilistic morals that in reality is less definite then we comfortably would like to believe.

All these shows are brilliant, and if you have the chance please watch them. “Breaking Bad” is in its final season right now and its exciting watching week to week. “Mad Men” was renewed for another season and a great watch. Still though, “The Wire” is finished and as one lover of film I say – it stands as a finished product to me as the greatest piece of visual media, film or television, ever created. There is enough character, narrative, and social philosophy ramped into this show for unlimited viewing. I have gone through the series twice already and I say to anyone out there to meet me half way... you won’t regret it. Apologies to Chuck, but “The Wire” has my vote as king of the big four. What do you think? 

Monday to Friday Blues

   There is no time I hate more than working hours during the week. Not for the reason you would think though, it’s not that I hate my job and I would rather be anywhere else. Quite the contrary, I hate these hours because I don’t have a job. I haven’t for months since getting back to Canada. I could sit here and victimize myself and claim it’s a recession time or that the “system” doesn’t favour thinkers and dreamers, like in my moments of self indulgence I like to believe I am, but the truth is apathy has surfaced  as a coping mechanism. Pleasures can’t be enjoyed during these hours, because not unlike a person that bought something they felt they shouldn’t, doing things you would normally consider fun creates a feeling of guilt. That is the action of a “normal” mind trying to sanction itself in order to focus itself to the task at hand. However, like a white elephant in the room, trying not to have any “fun” till properly sanctioned times – like the later evening or weekends - is a focus diverter in of itself especially with diversion a click away on a computer.

     Monday to Friday sitting here on the one specific cushion that hasn’t sunk in on our brown, slightly grungy, couch I feel sometimes like my truest job lies before me - keeping the motivation to keep on doing this. The game is layered on thick here in Toronto. Resume creation now involves - as directed by resumes “professionals” –   looking at job requirements for specific jobs and placing those requirements directly inside your resume. I was a bit confused by this at first...  aren’t you supposed to list your skills for employer’s consideration, your real skills that is? As opposed to just saying you have what they want. It actually sort of seems to defeat the purpose of a resume at all. However, the job skills listed are so generic and abstract – things like: superior organization skills; adept people skills; magnificent multi tasking – that there’s always a way to claim that you have them.  It took awhile to get use to this and that was before dealing with the North American interview, which has felt worse than selling yourself during a first date. After five failed interviews already, after a nearly spotless European/ Australian interview success rate, I’ve realized that the interview here is just an extension of the phoniness of the resume.

        As a vehicle for my self esteem I consider myself unique. I’m not alone on that one. You’d probably be depressed if you didn’t consider there to be something special about your own subjective experience. An issue is though - if I, and everyone else for that matter, are unique than wouldn’t we all need unique jobs that befit that status?  At one time or another I have done pretty much every type of job. As a traveler, I had a skill, or I guess you could say penchant, for things just coming to me be it a good job – my first copy writing job came through sheer chance – or a shit one at a necessary time – when I moved to Amsterdam with 500 bucks and somehow got a dish washing job about a day before I was set to join the homeless population. I always felt fortune favoured the brave and for that reason something would always come. And it did, though not always in shimmering form.  I’ve done loads of shit work: fruit picking, sales, warehouse, labour, landscaping, data entry, customer service... I even cleaned a yaught one day in Sydney harbour. The thing is being “home” the feeling is that you should do something that personifies you and this purported “uniqueness”...  The issue with this is that other unique people also feel they should work in media as well and there is a vast sea of competition. Often ten plus interviewees for one position...  

    The hardest is maintaining motivation to play this game. Scanning through want ads, feeling pangs of guilt as the wealth of cyberspace constantly calls me somewhere else... if just for a minute, then another. Maybe that is the writer’s curse, glorifying themselves, but surely I can’t be the only one who has ever suffered the Monday to Friday blues? Having the sense of dread as the weekend comes to a close and knowing that I face another week ahead here on the brown cushion.

Top 20 American Films

 Last week my friend Cody Lang and I sat discussing films. As usual we agree, and disagree, and took glee in expounding on our brilliant film tastes while bashing the others. The question looms though - are our film taste’s brilliant or fool hearted? Needing an audience to address that you be the judge. We decided to create our own top twenty of our “favourite” – not what others would consider the “best” – American films. 

    Some words on my list. I’ve always been pretty high on the thinking man’s film. I watch films to learn more about reality rather than escape it. So with that said there are a lot of films on my lists that have to do with society, time travel, identity, and a dystopian future. A couple luminaries come up a few times too, I definitely love David Lynch, Stanley Kubrik, and the Coen Brothers. Well enough of my chatter. Here is my list, please enjoy, and hopefully comment whether in agreement or disagreement. I’d love to hear what you have to say. My list is in no specific order and I made some effort to grab a title from most genres as to give the list some breadth.

My American Film Top 20 in no specific order:

Pulp Fictionn (1994) : Still my favourite ever theatre experience. Everyone laughed at all the dark comedic moments and I was in stitches both from the dialogue as well as Tarantino’s penchant for the absurd... think the whole Zed story and Vinny Vega accidently blowing a guy’s head off while waving his gun around.  

The Tree of Life (2011) : Not as much a film as a treatise on the essence of existence on a grand cosmological level. Terrence Mallick, coming towards the end of his life, puts this forward as his Opus and has shown us that despite the staggering importance we put on ourselves as individuals that we are so small in the grand scheme of things. A masterpiece!

The Sting (1973) : A close call between this and “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”, but I felt this Robert Redford/ Paul Newman pairing was just a little more fun. Great comedy mixed in with gangsters, prohibition bootlegging and pulling off the ULTIMATE con.

Aliens (1986) : The sequel to Alien moves the franchise away from space horror into science fiction. The film is big in every scale as you’d expect from James Cameron and creates a mind blowing future that includes a kick ass future army core and aliens that are not to be trifled with. As with Blade Runner I never really get sick of watching this film, it's action with a scientific bent that is worthy of any number of viewings.

China Town (1974) : Grimy film noir that mixes water rationing with the taboos of incest - a bold combination. Jack Nicholson spends half the film with a massive bandage on his nose as he navigates the toughs and delinquents of a James Elroy style underbelly of Los Angeles.

Slacker (1991): Richard Linklater has long been one of my favourites and this homage of everyday life in Austin, Texas  - as much as “Dazed and Confused” – has made me want to visit there. The film follows an eclectic collection of artists, drunks, and miscreants each holding the camera’s attention for five minutes before it follows another person. Experimental film making that is edgy and relevant.

Miller’s Crossing (1990) : The ultimate in film noir dialogue with Gabriel Byrne holding court as a brilliant mafia bootlegger that plays both sides of the fence between rival gangs. The Coen brother’s production as always brings dark comedy and hilariously contrived characters that while slightly over the top do not throw the authenticity of the era being highlighted into question.

Blade Runner (1982) : Rooted with deep existentialist underpinnings this futuristic noir looks at the essence of identity in an era where humanity and machine are getting more and more blurred. As with any great piece of Science Fiction this film is possibly more relevant today than when it originally came out 30 years back. An amazing, brooding looking film that still stands the test of time for the future it presents.  

Pi (1998) : Darren Aronfsky’s first film, made for less than $50,000 dollars, stands above all of his others in terms of the complexity of characterisation. The film looks at the nature of genius and its correlates to madness as a mathematician comes painfully close to an algorithm that could decode not only the stock market, but reality and nature itself. A MUST see...

No Country for Old Men (2007) : Like other Coen Brother’s films this one is existentialist in character looking at the seeming absurdity of life where good and evil do not align with consequence. Great acting -especially from Javier Bardem who plays a psychopath with his own brand of idealism.

Raiders of the Lost Arc (1981) : Fantastic, epic adventure spanning continents as Dr Indiana Jones squares off against the Nazi’s to locate the Arc of the Covenant. By far the best of the series encapsulating both adventure and fun in globe stomping style.

Memento (2000 ): A brain twisting film shot in reverse as an allegory for the lead characters anterograde amnesia. (not being able to encode new memories in short term memory.) A man, played by Guy Pierce, looks to get closure on his final encoded memory: seeing someone murder his wife. An intriguing narrative comes together as well as a philosophical reflection on reality, memory, and the construction and the reconstruction of identity.

Silence of the Lambs (1991) : A seminal thriller and the best of the “serial” killer films, in a close call with Seven, which pits a novice FBI agent Clarise Starling against the brilliant psychopath Dr Hannibal Lector. Though the pursuit of another serial killer is the films chief narrative the dialogue scenes between Lector and Starling are the most memorable and present a tangible, be it creepy, chemistry between the leads.

Mulholland Drive (2001) : A masterpiece from David Lynch as he delves into the question of identity, reality, and agency by looking at a girl’s experience in Hollywood through a long, twisting, lucid dream.  A movie that begs reflection and my all time favourite film.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) : A genuine space opera as man’s first forays into space are motivated by an alien intelligence. Shot in the early 60’s the look of this film is amazing, the score amazing, and the depth of philosophical insight without peer. Viewers are challenged to consider the possibilities of technology reaching too far and other worldly consciousnesses beyond anything conceivable by human experience. Comparable in scope to Mallik’s: “The Tree of Life.”

Dazed and Confused (1993) : Within a list of more or less “heavy” films "Dazed and Confused" lightens things up a bit. An ensemble cast, each representing different personalities around an Austin Texas High School in 1976, enjoy the last day of school by partying and musing about their city and their futures. I’ve always wished I could have hung out with some of these people. Not to mention a load of future stars got their beginnings in this film.

LA Confidential (1997): Brash, brooding noir that high lights Hollywood in an era when film stars, mobsters, and police were interchangeable and there was a real seedy side behind all the Hollywood glitz. Fabulous performances, including a star making performance by Russell Crowe, make this a delightfully entertaining cops and robbers yarn where no one is as they seem.

Dr Strangelove (1964) : Hilarious satire as Stanley Kubrik depicts the possible end of the world with a cast of characters worthy of Joseph Heller’s Catch 22. Constantly laugh out loud funny in particular each time Peter Seller’s graces the screen.

Twelve Monkeys (1995) : A time travel film that intelligently begs the question: if there is one stream of time (which of course is debateable) won’t attempts to change the past using time travel have to lead to a future that has already taken into account that attempt and because of that be unchangeable? That is a Catch 22 ad-infitum... all this with Brad Pitt playing a memorable crazy eyed, seeming psychotic.

Barton Fink (1991) : This Faustian tale looks at a hell in of itself through an unfulfilled writer who will never get to write what he wants and who will forever be under the thumb of Hollywood studio heads who have him writing pictures about professional wrestlers. John Goodman’s role as the devil, and ring master of this Sisyphean world, is brilliant. A film that milks the absurdity of art and it’s seemingly permanent disfunctional marriage with business.  

Put a Little Thought Into It

     Popular culture always has new trends; sometimes the trends are just old trends resurfacing a new. I read an interesting article in the Economist extolling the virtues of NOT thinking. The gist of the article was that a return to instinctual action could yield better results than thinking. For anyone that has sat pondering should I, shouldn’t I ad-infinitum... maybe there is some logic there. I know sometimes just doing something than reacting to what happens works better than thinking about  the "possible" outcome. Later I flipped through a copy of the Atlantic and again the topic of non thinking was front and centre. The featured article was about BF Skinner style behaviorism, the ultimate Psychological paradigm of non thinking and just acting, making a millennial resurgence. All this non thinking discussion struck a chord with me as I fall on the scale of over thinking. Maybe I have been wrong this whole time???

      BF Skinner is one of the most maligned and vilified of the 20^th centuries Psychologists. Most people that have taken Psychology 101 know him as the man who trained pigeons using incentives or what he later called operant conditioning. It’s a simple process: reward pigeons, with say food, the behaviors you want to see more of and punish, with say electric shocks, the behaviors you want to see less. Where he flubbed up, or so say his detractors, (and I was surprised to find out Noam Chomsky was at the lead of them) was by discounting human consciousness and self talk as a vital component in human decision making. He believed that most of our actions were just habitual in their origin and derived from previous learned habit.The Atlantic article I mentioned applied Skinner’s thinking, using new technologies like smart phones, to tackling modern world problems such as weight loss. The idea being that if thinking of the long term gain, a thinner body somewhere down the road, is not enough why not use immediate incentives in the short term to achieve the goal. The program devised was to connect over weight populations by social media using smart phones as a support group. This group would provide instant feedback for each other and give positive reinforcement when you stuck to your eating and exercise goals and negative when you do not.  Positive and negative reinforcement are strong opiates in the mind even having an addictive quality. Apparently the results have been HUGE. Literally, people are training themselves to take on better habits and in time maintain those habits without external incentives. 

         As a person with a seemingly never ending self dialogue the idea of tricking my brain into doing positive things seems interesting. With some thought (there it is again...) though it does seem like a partial band aid to conscious choice. Socrates much used quote: “know thy self” comes into play here.  Shouldn’t people be dissecting the underlying reasons for bad habits and behaviors rather than just trying to deprogram them? Is action all that really matters – and shouldn’t one try be acutely aware of the thoughts and underlying structures that make up those actions? All these musings, and the very concept of behaviorism, makes me wonder if the human animal is not so far off from our genetic primates in that we are just biological vessels looking for the next body high. Even if that high comes from something as seemingly arbitrary as the buzz we get from positive reinforcement. If this is true, can the same programming that works on pigeons and rats be almost as effective on humans? Surely not when taking into account the uniquely human abilities of self reflection and envisioning how present actions will affect us later. Then again, though? Here’s another angle on these issues. A guy takes one look at a girl in a club... two minutes later they’re making out. Now without entering his mind I don’t think there was a lot of mental ping pong going on. Another example - one of the hardest shots in basketball is the totally wide open jump shot where there is time to think about it. The best thing to do is just shoot without a moment’s reflection and let practiced behavior take over. All of us are filled with so many learned behaviors that even the devout thinker has to realize that they are still able to do all their thinking while doing a litany of learned behaviors.  Literally, we are petri dishes of learned behaviors that are both positive and negative.

      Maybe we really are just the accumulation of our habits and it’s these habits that drive what we perceive and our self talk? One thing stopping me from believing this though is my love of the toughest question of them all, and that one that yields the least societal rewards, that of WHY? Even if we can use behaviorism to build a litany of positive habits that only answers the how of living good. The question of why we couldn’t do this on our own still lingers. Existentialism has long been my philosophical creed and it basically runs counter intuitive to behaviorism. The idea is that we are all totally responsible for our choices as we are totally free... our bodies, genes, and personalities can’t stop us from making our own choices and being responsible for the outcomes. Existentialism is a philosophy of ownership for ones actions.With that philosophy backing my position behaviorism sounds to me like the continued medicalization of behavior and another method to escape personal accountability. I’m not saying it’s not a good idea to build positive habits, using these techniques, but if one cannot answer why they didn’t have these habits in the first place than a serious issue remains. Everyone's chooses their epistemological systems of belief, through conscious thought or handed down acceptance, and though new uses for behaviorism are interesting they don't gel completely to me. I have a need to understand, for myself why I act and this stops me from putting my faith in this system, interesting as it is...

   Maybe you see it different than me though? Should one question why good behaviors are adopted or just be happy they are there?

My Toronto

    I have been back in Canada for 6 months now and the experience has been positive. For me Toronto is a good sized city with 4.5 million people, it has every sub type of person, plenty of parks and a thriving cultural scene. Like most major cities the majority of people aren’t from here. The cosmopolitan essence of the city draws people to it. On the negative, like other major cities, there is some pretty serious competition for decent places to live and good jobs. That’s the price you pay though living in a city where people want to be, it’s the same in Sydney, London, Copenhagen... 

 
     Toronto is the kind of city that if you look at a place and want to take an hour to think about taking it you're going to lose it. Luckily for me I timed my return with an opening in the house that I use to live in 4 years ago. So I was able to immediately sort out objective number one – a good place to live. Our brick house is on the outskirts of the Annex, which is the bohemian/ artistic area of town near to the University of Toronto. We have plenty of room for four people to live and even have a huge, by Toronto standards, back yard. There are loads of cool pubs/ bars, used book stores, art shops and off the beaten path video shops and cafes nearby. To anyone visiting Toronto a walk through the Annex on a warm day is a must – always so many characters if you’re a people watcher. You might even see Margret Atwood – the famous Canadian writer of “The Handsmaid Tale” and “The Robber Bride” - one of the areas residents strolling around. I’ve always liked Annex life... it’s been nice to see as well, after riding bikes for years in Amsterdam and Copenhagen, how many people are starting to ride them here too. The cars still rule the roads, and it can be scary getting passed inches away from your back tire, but there are lots of bike paths sprouting up like flowers in our back garden.

     Since being back, I have had a mixture of old and new friends. That’s just how I like it – some continuation from my past combined with some new connections. There are my two old roommates from years back, but we also have a new one from Germany. There are also my old friends - my base – starting with a guy I knew from traveling in Australia ten years previous. Knowing them brings back old memories and nostalgia's that I mix with the present incarnation of me. My return hasn’t all been perfect. Recently, I decided to part ways with an old friend from here after realizing that our core values were not compatible anymore. That was a tough call, as generally I see difference in people as a way for me to learn and grow as a person, but in this case the difference in ideology and more importantly scruples had became too great. A good person will reach down a thousand times to help their friends, but when people have become duplicitous there’s also strength in knowing when to cut your losses. In his place though new friends have sprouted up who represent the current me. All in all, I am very happy to have such a nice mixture of old and new. Four or five times already I have had visits from international friends. Nothing I like more than showing people the city, introducing them to locals, and getting to see Toronto through foreign eyes. Each time it has made me feel lucky that I live here.

     Others aspects of life are coming together a little more slowly. I’m doing some casual waiting work for a catering company. Certainly it’s not my dream, but at the same time it’s something to tide my over till other opportunities present themselves. Also, it’s a pretty good way to meet diverse people too. In a city with this much theatre, film and other media going on I believe, without irony, that in time something will come my way. Otherwise, Toronto is a great city to just “be” in. What I have always liked about here is that when the sun appears people’s best selves come out too. That’s the beauty of countries that have real winters; people enjoy the summer so much more. Something else I like too are some anti mainstream values I’ve noticed springing up.  For the first time I’m living without mainstream television. We have a television set, but we only use Netflix and download movies... and don't have any cable. Lots of people in Toronto, many of the people I know, are doing the same thing and escaping the homogenized messages of mainstream media and more importantly the sea of dull commercials that patronize us with their incomplete assessments of who we are and what they think we want. It’s refreshing stepping off the grid in this way and I might write more about it later.

   For now and in to the future Toronto is home. So everyone who reads this – come for a visit soon. 

A Writer`s Howl

     I wonder to myself how can an artist escape the fear of themselves and failure? My fingers and mind have run dry as of late. I’ve written pages that later I re-read and they feel false like illusions of what I really want to say. We live in a world where everyone can try and yet no one does. Once great novels and pages of ideas breathed out the life of the infinite for those yearning for more, but now it’s all just an Iphone application. Even right in this moment, I can feel an overwhelming feeling of stopping writing and looking at something else. Maybe that is the pull back into the normal, the pull back into everyone else. I don’t want that, I want to wade into the murky forests not seen before and recorded... I want to be real at least to myself. Charles Dickens quote lingers in my mind: “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life... “

     

    At least now, I don’t care about success at least in that normal way. I just want to do something I can be proud of, I want to make myself happy and do what for me has always been so hard... living in the moment without thoughts of excitement in the future or memories of the past. Why can’t I be a Kerouac who pounds the keys for three straight days?... (it’s hard enough to pound them for 3 straight minutes)  possessed by the a spirit that only the likes of him and Henry Miller will ever know... a two way connection to the world Élan. All I get is uncertainty of self next to a world I’m not always sure I want to be a part of yet can’t turn my eyes away from. This is my time, not the past or the future, but right now. The choice is mine whether to cower from possibility or bask in its warmth...